I am struggling. Daily. I am struggling with finding contentment. I am struggling with fear and doubt. I am struggling to continue believing that God's plans for me will ever come about. I am struggling and I am tired. I am exhausted with the weight of this. I know, I know. I've heard it. trust me, I have. "Just give it to God," you say.
"Just be patient."
"Remember, His ways are not our ways."
I have heard it. I. HAVE. HEARD. IT. ALL. BEFORE. My own heart tells me to do it and I try. Really people I TRY.
When I tell people what I am going through, how I am feeling, how I am struggling- and I do not mean the whining, poor-pitiful-me kind of struggling here people. I am talking I have been desperately crying out, sobbing my sorrow about the things happening in my life and my family to Jesus, feeling very literally poured out like water kind of struggling here- And then of course I tell them how God has come through they sit back with this smug satisfied look on their face as if to tell me that all should now be hunky dory sunshine in my life.
"Oh, it shouldn't be hard! Maybe you're not truly giving it to God"
Believe me when I tell you that the last 6 years of my life have been all about giving it to God. Trusting in His timing and provision. Believing for the impossible. And yes, God has come through with just exactly what we needed, in the nick of time.
"Well, then" they respond- like this solves my problems now, "you should have more faith"
I am here to tell you that in the last 9 years of marriage and especially in the nearly 7 years that we have been considered self employed I have learned that faith is struggling.
Faith is not sitting comfortable on your couch because you don't have to worry about the bills getting paid.
Faith is cringing when your kids ask when they can move because their house is tiny, cramped and infested with bugs because you helped someone out and instead of paying an exterminator to take care of the problem you paid the bills and the mortgage; covering up your cringe, smiling and saying, "When God is ready for us to move we will move"
Faith isn't sitting back confident that your prayers are answered just as you asked for them to be.
Faith is watching your father and your great aunt die within three months of each other with the. same. damn. cancer. and then when your other aunt gets cancer -for the 3rd time in her life- believing that if God chooses to heal her on earth or heal her in heaven He has STILL answered your prayer for healing.
Faith is not comfortable. Faith is not easy. Faith is not a walk in some pretty little park.
Faith moves mountains by spoken word. Faith is HARD. Faith is watching someone else get what you're praying for and believing that if God didn't give it to you then He's got something else in mind.
I nearly lost all of it when my dad died. When we first learned that he had Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia I KNEW. I knew it like I knew my own name, before I ever learned what CLL was, that my dad would survive it. That whatever treatment they decided on would cure it. When we learned that my dad had developed Myelodysplastic Syndrome I didn't know that. My heart cried out for understanding because I just didn't get it. When we got word that my dad wasn't doing well. That I should come and see him sooner rather than later because he probably wouldn't make until Thanksgiving.
I held onto that faith with my fingernails.
It was a visceral thing, this clinging. I prayed for healing. I believed that God would do it. He did. In His way. Just a few days after I came home from visiting him for the last time my daddy went home to Heaven. He was healed. He was whole. He was happy. At the time I didn't understand. A short while later a friend of mine asked for prayer for her father. He was in the hospital for health issues and it didn't look good. God miraculously healed him and again I didn't understand. Truthfully I still don't UNDERSTAND why. I have had to accept that my father had made his peace and was ready. I have clung to the knowledge that God didn't say that everything in our lives would be good. But that HIS PLANS for us are good; that He takes all things and works them out for good.
Some days that helps. Some days it doesn't.
Faith is keeping hope in the face of everything that says it can't or won't happen. I'm struggling with that part.
The biggest struggle in our lives right now is finances. The house that we are in is not safe, there are pests, there are electrical issues, the basement continually floods during heavy rains. Our vehicles are running but in need of repairs- David practically lives in his car and our Van is the only way for our entire family to go anywhere.
Mind you this isn't a budgeting issue. This is that there's simply not enough and while David has searched for a traditional source of income for the last 6 years and applied for multiple positions that he is well qualified for- well that door has been slammed shut.
So here I am, being honest- maybe venting just a little bit- and finding my faith in the struggle.
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