How easily forgotten

However personal an experience this may have been I will share anyway in the hopes that it may touch one of the people who follows my blog.

I've been listening to "How He Loves US" written by John Mark McMillan. If you haven't heard it you need to. I've been listening to it over and over and over on youtube, by different artists and people covering it during worship. And as I was listening to Kim Walker's version I felt God just like He was sitting in the room with me. And I swear I heard him whisper to me "I am jealous for you! Nothing takes my place in your life and your heart and your time! I won't let it, you're tired and worn out and weighted down with all of these cares because you have let your worries take my place in your life. How hard must my love blow on you before you will bend to it?"

I was completely overcome, I sat there with my one month old son in my arms just bawling my eyes out. I realized how right He was (as if He could possibly be wrong!) For the last long while, I couldn't honestly say when it started, I've been so tired. Especially after Joash was born, since his sleep schedule is still wacky beyond awake every few hours for food. I've just had no energy during the day and while our financial situation wasn't pressing heavily on me at least consciously, I've been overwhlemed with both boys and housework and cooking and all of the things that I "need" to get done that just aren't happening. I've not known how to talk to David about it, feeling like he's got more than enough on his plate with a new job and another part time job and I know he's been down on himself because he's "supposed" to be the provider in our family. And I was just getting more jealous and resentful of the fact that David got to sleep more than I did (or that's how it seemed to me) and got to get up early to have that time alone with God. So I just kept it all inside, not even taking the time to stop and say thank you God, for life, thanks for my kids and my husband and if I get so busy during the day that I forget you, please don't forget me. Not taking my cares to Him, the only one strong enough to hold me up, the ony one who is supposed to hold me up.

Of course there's a part of me that justifies my lack of time with God saying, well you've got two kids, both pretty young and it's not like you can leave them unattended for long periods of time, and to watch them both you've got to get SOME sleep, so getting up earlier or staying up later is out of the question. Naturally forgetting that He sustains me and that He is my strength. And really I could ask David for time away to spend with God and he'd totally understand. And if I were really honest with myself I've been trying to be supermom, going on little sleep and trying to do it myself, all the while wanting David to read my mind and automatically KNOW that I needed time alone with God and help with stuff around the house and with the kids. But here's the kicker, I don't know HOW to get that time, or where it fits in during the day....but then I've got it backwards, haven't I....I don't try to "fit"God in do I? He comes first and everything else fits in around Him.

So I sit here crying and snotty and realizing that I've been literally starved for Him! I've held Him at arms length knowing that once I got a taste again I'd be desperate for more, and just wishing I could sit and drown myself in His presence and love. In any case, I'll sit and bask in His wonderous love for a while regardless of the fact that it is now 20 minutes till 4 am and My elder son will be awake at 8 and my younger will be waking at 5 or so to eat. Here are the lyrics to this amazing song:

He is jealous for me
love's like a hurricane
I am the tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden I am unaware
of the afflicitions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful you are
and how great your affections are for me

Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves.

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we're all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves us
Woah, how He loves


and if you want to hear it you can hear it done by Kim Walker, John Mark McMillan, David Crowder Band...and at least a dozen others on youtube.

Thank you Jesus for how you love us! How you love me! I am amazed that you take us back regardless of how far we go away from you, I am amazed at your patience with us, with me, and your forgiveness of my pride.